Cadets march in Kiev to celebrate Ukranian Independence Day. Via Mikhail Palinchak, Pool Photo via AP

Today is the first day of the rest of your week. How’s it going so far? Did your boss ask why your email address is in the Ashley Madison dumps? Did your WIFE? Has Russia blocked your website today (it’s early, keep checking in)? Did you lose everything when a shoddy, Chinese-manufactured capital market collapsed? No? Then it’s a good day, isn’t it kittens?

Here’s your saucer of cream, and a side of Schadenfreude. Enjoy reading about all the bad news that’s happening to other people right now.

Hollywood actor to auction his rifles to fund Israeli army (SachTimes) Joe Mantegna’s not Catholic???/?

The Opportunist: The Dark Secrets of the Diamond King of Sierra Leone (Esquire) Your long read for the day

Why This Neural Net Thinks the Starship Enterprise Is a Waffle Iron (SingularityHub) YOU MEAN IT’S NOT? Breakfast just got less awesome.

The Rocket Dog of U.S. Special Forces (WarIsBoring) Awwww, that ain’t no thang. We covered weaponizing your pets MONTHS ago.

How Google convinced China’s Communist Party to love science fiction (Vox)

Court: FTC can bring down the hammer on companies with sloppy cybersecurity (ITWorld) A government agency holding corporations accountable? Whodathunkit?

Even ‘super hackers’ leave entries in logs, so prepare to drown in data (TheRegister) Oh. Joy.

FIRE ALL THE PEEPS! Combatting human error in cybersecurity (HelpNet) Don’t we have robots for that already? Canada even has one as Prime Minister!

Police request for Anonymous help with Ashley Madison called ‘historic’ (MetroNews) Well it is. Outsourcing investigations will lead to…I dunno, replacing police forces? An interesting societal shift, for sure

Have the Mounties become Harper’s private police force? (IPolitics) Short answer: yes. Long answer: Yes, and that is why Jaymack died.

Mozilla CEO threatens to fire person responsible for anonymous hate speech on Reddit (TheVerge)

Here’s who to blame for the financial market meltdowns: Kim DotCom sez ‘China in Big Trouble. Buy Bitcoin Now’ (Cointelegraph)

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