In this groundbreaking article Vancouver eminence grise and literatus extraordinaire Sean Cranbury lays out a devastatingly effective campaign plan for the Conservatives’ most mysterious candidate in the upcoming federal election, Jpeg James Low, the almost-certainly-doomed Tory candidate for Vancouver East. This political tour-de-force first appeared on Facebook and is reprinted with permission.
The mystery of Jpeg James first emerged back in August on Some Random Political Blog. Despite a lack of campaign appearnaces and lingering questions about his very existence, Jpeg James is currently polling at 19%, in second place for the riding. If he adopts this platform, could actual election be within reach?
Only one way to find out, Jim!
The Conservative Party of Canada is not running an actual candidate in the riding of Vancouver East. They are running a jpeg by the name of James Low.
Jpeg James has no biography, no Twitter or Facebook account, no web presence at all. And probably no pulse.
This jpeg candidacy makes James Low the first truly post-post-modern politician of our time.
Untethered, signifying only itself, empty of data. Dislocated from the central issues of our community.
But I am a generous person and so have written up 5 platform suggestions for Jpeg James’ campaign. If Jpeg follows these simple suggestions I foresee a victory for the Conservatives in the riding of Vancouver East.
1) Mandatory rocking for all citizens. Especially the elderly. They invented rock n roll, it’s time for them to raise their game. More heavy metal shows, Flying V guitars, Burzum tattoos, sleeping naked in public parks, and the abolishment of personal hygiene.
2) Annex Burnaby, bulldoze Burnaby Mountain, and build a Super Train to the prairies. Burnaby Mountain is an unnecessary land mass and it is standing between us and the lucrative potash mines of Saskatchewan. With all of that Potash in our clutches we can build an elevator to the moon and begin using it to broadcast messages back to Earth. Think about it: your giant head looking down on your constituents admonishingly. These are dreams, Jpeg!
3) Assemble the 9 greatest beer league hockey players in the riding and challenge the Supreme Court of Canada to a winner-takes-all rematch of the 9-0 trouncing those judges laid on the Conservative Party during the InSite Supervised Injection Site ruling. You must avenge that devastating defeat and hockey is the only way.
4) One word: poets. Another word: delicatessen. Create a poets delicatessen in every neighbourhood in this riding so that all the poets have somewhere to smoke and buy salami. Also, you’re going to need them on your side when you bulldoze Burnaby Mountain.
5) I realize that I haven’t really touched on the environment and I know how important that must be to someone who is a jpeg, so here’s my idea: Tar Sands Pancake Jamboree. You invite every person who identifies as a Conservative to a big party at the PNE and feed them each several pounds of pancakes made of tar brought in on old trucks from Alberta.
Then we can all look on with envy as they digest their delicious meal.
You can do it, Jpeg! You got this.